It’s hard to breathe
when the horizon tightens
around your neck,
a tourniquet dream,
when you give up
trying to reach out
and reach in.
I would hand it all back
the music,
the poetry,
for one day
without the darkness,
and the phantoms
it brings.
About Me
- Straw Dog
- Some would call me eccentric (for reasons I can't fathom) and I am a sinestral ('left-handed' for those of you who aren't aware what that means).
4 comments:
"darkness" must be about not living how you want, the phantoms and darkness is there when we lie to ourselves.
Just went off.
But isn't that so ? at least was for me, all kinds of darkness and fright out of being so sad to live the life I no longer could agree on in my inner but on my outer surface I believed in.
To me it even had to do with this writing, reading and listening to music, my ex just couldn't stand it and as years went by he hid less and less how a vaste of space and time it was to be absorbed by it, and I can even feel a certain now luckily virtual pain of how simply frustrated I was.
"Darkness" is beautifull and to admit in any way how it feels well that is good, and sometimes it can feels like that, and I think it's good to admit so the sad words can make a new entrance for change of what needs to be changed.
Poems, lyrics, music and books I believe could help so many of us if only we take the time.
"It's hard to breathe
when the horizon tightens
around your neck.."
and that is a good description how anguish for any reason feels, and even the wide horizon feels to close in ...
beautifull "darkness"
and I only talk about my own experiences yours I understand can be of something completely else.
Helena V
I meant to say I noticed your use of INXS lyrics in you post on low darkness. 'Never Tear Us Apart' if my memory serves.
Anyway... I wanted to capture the feeling of void arond the main character. The vacuum created when a person becomes depressed and withdrawn is what I wanted to get across with this one.
Remus.
Hmmmm
Believe me I know well how it is to really be depressed, and then it is impossible to feel anything at all.
No sorrow eihter it's just a vacuum .. yes ... Now it was a long time ago I had that black and I do believe that we "trap" ourselves in the same trap ourselves, because there are always solutions to not be so utterly down. JUST that they are not always what others believe, like docs husbands and wives or parents or friends or whoever who sayes this is how is is and this is what you must do.
I believe we all are capable to not go as deep as we do, and I am old enough to have seen so many adapt to the depressed life-style believing that it
is part of yourself. I am talking in general! and not to you Remus.... but at least I do know what it is like .. and my way to learn a way out of it was to go against pretty much everyone I knew. Not always openly but in my mind.
We all are given "roles" so one of my roles for example I got as a young child was the "happy one" and I never understood that my voice for sadness was taken from me.
Don't remember procentage but it is not few who suffer and are able to live with it, without deep dives..
It took many years or decades when I slowly learnt to get a new pic of myself, as still very often the happy one I slowly gained a voice of "sadness" as an adult which is likely one of the hardest things I have ever learnt.
This could be a long long rant but to make it short when I learnt to say : "sorry but I cannot
do what you ask from me since I am busy with
other things" or if I am brave say that I am too
tired and need a rest..
and sounds so silly but was so hard to learn to
not be "available" always for especially my relatives who were so used to be able to count on me, and I got so many: "oh but how can you do this to me.. I counted on you " and I felt like a criminal first but ... went on ...
and now my relatives are used to that no I don't
sew/mend clothes for them ... just because I can ....
One thing we who have depressions so easily fall for is all the guilt we feel, we o.k that we are a load of shit and sadly we often get treated like that ... :) ...
When we slowly learn to handle ourselves better, well some friends are not going to stay that is so, but most always do, and we get new friends.
I do not say it's our own faults, it is a lot genetics but most of us have not got the "right" kind of support as children, so we are left alone with many sad feeling we just don't know what to do with so we usually learn to deny and for me it was to hide that I could be sad but also other healthy feelings ... so a lot of feelings add up and when we can't verbalize them so we don't get any support either and we sink so deep ..
Is one suggestion from me.
But still I am just so sure that we all have solutions for ourselves to handle ourselves better, I am down now and then but I have learnt to "stop" in time, I am so much better to take care of myself, and also when everything is just "spinning" too fast well I say "no" to occasions just because I know I do better not getting so much impressions at this point and so I also avoid the down ..
:)
still talking in general but I understand hardly noone reads this so I can write more freely and I sort of help myself too....
For me it's a lot when I am a bit up that I just take in everything I can work but to go to a conference with my job I don't. Because I know so many and they don't have to say much and I notice things and start to think of why they do like they do and then I just can't "shut off" and ( I laugh ) then all the idiots I know too and all their braggings and I just start to think of why they do and I think more than I want to ... and also the company I work for I start to figure on what they really are after..
and usually it's such a BORE but if I am a bit up I just cannot shut off ... and I hate that since I am not interested for real ... :)
Well as younger I would have went anyway but been so uncomfortable for too long ... so often becoming so down afterwards and having so much regrets of why I did say that to people I absolutely have no interest in at all, and I got so much bad guilt for things that were not really my fault.
All my learnings also lead to that I have changed my life a lot and no matter how hard it was it was worth it so much, I am a new person but what I write of is a learning I have done better or worse for almost 30 tears or more really .
One thing that seems to be common for us with depressions is that we don't like ourselves, and if we are up too we use a lot of the energy to be confirmed all the time that we are o.k as we are.
It's such a sad way against our possibility to feel well, We are always o.k as we are as a person and it is very difficult to learn. That we are the person we are and not the things we do or the diseases we suffer from.
I think it is interesting to think of this, and I in no way have any inner pain from thinking of it, I "suffer" so little nowadays, but I do remember how it was to feel absolutely nothing, no anger even.
It's crazy that when I read of my type of chemistry it is only bad things, in medical books I mean.
It is nothing but bad things it's like a punishment all the listings for what my chemistry makes me capeable of, and that took many years to not feel like one with.
The shame is also so hard to deal with, hello with so many alcoholics among my relatives ???? I mean is it a far out guess that they just wern't diagnosed ... oh but no! sayes my mohter ... and by that I understand it is only I who is "officially" crazy ..
l.o.l
oh ths is CRAZY how we label people to the left and right instead of looking at the person how she he is.
Very few I know today knows how very crazy I really am, l.o.l and it's not that I would be ashamed but most people just cannot in any way take in that I can live a perfectly normal life anyway and hardly ever be ill in not even colds.
Still I just cannot understand why we are so medieval what comes to suffering of the soul ?
Noone is ashamed to tell they have diabetes another disease we have to live with... but deep depressions and not only that ... people just feel uncomfortable ...
Personally I well understand why people commit suicide, it completely makes sense to me.
What I do not understand is our unwillingness to learn why we have so lousy ways of treating people who have for example my chemistry ...
What if we had a hospital where we mix people with heartdiseases with people with coloncancer and who have eye diseases all in the same room ?
but mental diseases are still treated in the same room and so I do understand people who commit suicide, but not why we don't understand how to stop more of doing so.
Personally I am a bit "knowseverything" but you don't see me laughing .. yes personally I believe that our beoyond belief sick lifestyles has to do wtih everything.
We are imbecilles in the west and we give proof of that every day in every way and the very depressed can see that!
It's only bull that this life would be worth to live since we with great enthusiasm destroy our branch of the tree for all living ...
:)
Still with some major catastrophies we might have to learn ..
and the reluctance of understanding depressions has to with our unwillingness to also understnad anything of what life is about!!!!!
and I do laugh
but write all the same ..
:)
But hello no matter how holy and religious we are our heads are bowed to mammon.
FINAL.
Now I went off a bit further than what I meant but I hope you sense some irony in what I write and no I don't carry bombs under my clothes ..
Helena
:)
Please tell me that you at least smiled somewhere as you read and I am crazy I just like to write for no reason at all ...
Hi Helena,
Yes, I smile, I frown with thought, on occasion I'm sure I look surprised or even quizzical.
Communication, be it by word, voice, pictures, etc. is a challenge to the person receiving that communication. Every day we face that challenge, some of us put the effort in to understand, others and enjoy the challenge, others (not me) do not.
I read what you write and think about it. We are all different and communication is about seeking where we have a lack of difference, because we can never be the same.
Remus.
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